THERE ARE NO CHAPTERS; GET OVER YOURSELF!
[Disclaimer (The fine print): This book contains strong language, nudity, suggestive language, descriptions of adult situations, too many innuendos, lots of brackets and parentheses, a few recipes—some of which were tested on children—just the recipes—not the rest. This book is sometimes reckless, useless, and a waste of time. If you are here for sensible suggestions about how to eat, cook, shop or anything else, this may not be the book for you. If you are under the age of 18 this book is not for you—put it back where you found it! You little—why I oughta—I’m gonna tell your mother!! No vegetarians were injured or killed during the writing of this book, although the author had some harsh words for a vegan couple at Safeway the other night. If you are reading this book in Canada or certain parts of the southern United States, I’ll try to write very slowly—do try to keep up. On the whole, all in all, keep your hands, arms, heads and other body parts inside the vehicle at all times; keep your seat in the fully upright and locked position, fasten your seatbelt; don’t feed the animals; As always, no smoking, no drinking, no farting, no cunnilingus, no felatio, no coitus, no loitering, no pandering, no philandering, no filibustering, no inflating, no stalling, no thinking, no gambling, no singing and no dancing.]
I’m writing this book for my three kids. [Except for the sexual references—and the expletives—although they all know better one’s than I do….those are included just because of and for the purpose of proving my abject perversity…] My first wife and I divorced when the kids were very young—due to the insanity of the California court system she won custody. As a result I was not able to complete their culinary education. We often cooked together—but how much can you do on every other weekend? Eventually, as they grew older, all of my kids came to live with me. My son, Justin when he was 16—ran away from home; and my daughters Daphne, 16 and Amber 14…were abandoned to my care by their mother…. Justin and Daphne are not twins—there was a couple of years difference in their arrivals…. They are all grown-up now. Justin is 23, Daphne is 20—soon to be 21 and Amber is 18…. This book is my attempt to make up for lost time.
Now and then, as my kids were growing up they experimented with vegetarianism. When I was seventeen I briefly flirted with vegetarianism; I ate a lot of brown rice and even made my own tofu. But both I and they have become more comfortable eating meat. For me, it was all about chili—let’s face it, vegetarian chili is just beans….
By the way, the recipes in this book are not presented in any particular order, except what occurred at the moment—if I think of it later, I’ll try to add an index that is organized according to various categories: dinner, lunch, breakfast—or before or after intercourse…. It’s supposed to be a stream of consciousness cookbook. Think of it as something to do on a rainy day or something you can write a concordance to and sell on Ebay. If you don’t know what a concordance is, or where ebay is or that e bay should be hyphenated you should not be reading this now you should be in a home playing “hide the uppers” from old Mrs. Johnson, or something. Never put page numbers in a stream of consciousness cook book. It will just screw the whole thing up and you won’t be able to convince an agent a publisher an editor that you know what you’re doing.
“eh, no. Uh, yeah, well…stream of consciousness—you know like ‘what’s the first thing that comes to mind?…. yeah. Uh huh…I suppose it is a little like therapy. No. … Well, no you haven’t heard of it before, I don’t think anyone’s done it yet. Yeah I know….yeah…Rachel is hot…Yeah I heard that she got her own show…. No I uh….once in a while I watch the cooking show….yeah a talk show too….uh yeah….Well it’s based on the idea of the sintesi of the futurist and the surrealists….Sintesi they were little non-sense skits. Like a curtain raises about a foot off of the ground. You hear marching. All you see are feet marching across the stage. They march in place for a minute and then the curtain goes down….The futurists, dada, surrealists—they were artists in Europe before and during the First World War. Yeah…no…a cookbook….no it doesn’t have anything to do with feet… No….no…no—the dada, the futurists, the surrealists all did performan—yeah—like –yeah a show—the cookbook is a stream of consciousness cookbook—without feet, there are no feet in the show—uh cookbook no feet just recipes and stuff. Yeah like a real cook book only with stuff….yeah I like Alton Brown—he’s a bit of wonk—you know he gets kinda technical –he weighs-out his flour and stuff… you know… but no…his stuff is too normal—I’m talking about just whatever comes to mind—crazy sh*t you know like –like …like the other day I was reading about the Lenny Bruce trial for Obscenity in New York—back in the 50’s or 60’s or something…I thought it was kinda funny how the prosecutor and the defense lawyers would both be asking these little old society ladies thing like
did you attend Mr. Bruce’s performance at –whatever club’
she says ‘yes I did’
he asks ‘…and did he say the word “fuck”
Yes, he did
And did he say the word “cocksucker”
Yes, he did
And Mrs. –Whatsername—did he use the word “shit”?
Yes he did
“And it goes on like that for a while, and then he asks”
‘And Mrs. –Bluenose—did , were you offended by this language?’
‘Why, no I wasn’t because people really talk that way—‘
“Or words to that effect. It seemed out of character given the solemn tone of the trial setting and the rest of the interview or testimony so I thought it might be funny –or at least it seemed funny to me if it would have gone like this:”
‘And Mrs. Bluenose, were you offended by this language?’
‘Why no, and I can even use it all in a sentence. “Shut the fuck up you dirty cocksucker and mind your own shit!”’
“And she would beam with pride in herself, while the judge pounded the gavel and the prosecutor nervously shuffled his papers and eeked out ‘nothing further your honor’; meanwhile Lenny would be sitting at the defense table laughing his ass off.”
[In case you missed the point I’m doing some shtick on an imaginary phone conversation with an imaginary editor/publisher/agent—if you caught it, I apologize for the interruption, and I’m sorry I ever doubted you…]
“That’s the kind of thing you never read in your average cook book….no I couldn’t see Rachel saying that either…well maybe in the right context….i suppose… no you probably can’t even say that on u-tube—or maybe you can—I don’t watch a lot of u-tube…. No…no…well yeah…the recipes are good too. All of ‘em…well not exactly….i mean I make all of the dishes in the book—but I don’t really measure anything, I just kinda guessed how much of this , and that…Well, maybe I wouldn’t exactly use that story, you know…yeah cocksucker is kinda harsh….well, you know that was pretty much the word that Bruce…yeah…well yeah, that was the word he got arrested for…. Well yeah, lots of comics used fuck and shit and ….no ….no I …Well of course—now…yeah. … Well my favorite foods really. At least the ones I make a lot. Like chili, pizza, several kinds of pasta. And a Thanksgiving dinner—that takes about twenty pages or so…..
“Yeah, well you have to describe everything from brining to baking to side dishes. No, not complicated. I mean if you ever watched your mom or grandma or anyone making dinner for a holiday you could probably follow along. I just give the ingredients mostly and the procedures if there is anything complicated. Yeah I do mention some stuff about food handling an all that. Well, I’m not Jewish but I understand the concepts….right….yeah….well….yeah, well read what I have to say—then you can decide for yourself. Well, no. Like, don’t mix meat and dairy—keep separate cutting boards, knives, no, I know, it’s no big deal….right most people who need to do that already know—why should they buy my book? Well, maybe they should , maybe they shouldn’t –it wouldn’t hurt…. Just kidding. My book is something else—it’s not just recipes or bad jokes or bad words—it’s a way of looking at the world. It’s what makes food art—food and art are part of life. Bad jokes and bad language are part of life. Yeah there’s some sex stuff in it, some pictures stuff like that. But that’s all part of life too. If a recipe doesn’t work what do you do? If you’re me, you throw it out, you try something different but you try again. Beats the crap outa whoppers and big macs everynight, ya know? …
….” Yeah. Yeah….okay…well, yeah…I started out writing it so that my kids would have some idea how to make somethings I make. That seemed a bit boring so I thought to do it like performance art. I’d sit down and write and whatever else happened I’d write about that too. Like a sintesi ; then I got to thinking –I was watching shows like the Pick-up Artist and Rock of Love, and women’s tennis and a bunch of sh-stuff like that and decided that the people who might read this might be like me only twenty years younger. They might be guys or girls or the girls or guys that were dating the guys or girls and they might not know how to cook for a ‘third date’ or a super bowl party or whatever—so maybe this book would help them figure it out. Would most of these guys or girls read a cook book or watch a cooking show—maybe not…. Yeah…. No I see. Yeah…. Well, okay then…well, yeah…of course…sounds good….okay…all right well thank you very much….yeah…I look forward to hearing from you then….uh huh….bye….”
It’s a joke…. Sort of …
I’m watching Kathy Griffin. Her life on the—whatever list she’s on this week. It’s okay—maybe it’s a gay thing: her humor. I don’t know. Some of it’s funny, most of it’s timing. But that’s what this book is about. That’s what all books are about. If the timing is right you’ll end up reading it, if not, it’ll sit on the floor in my bedroom for another couple of years.
Oh wait, that already happened.
All right so read the damn book. If it sells, I’ll write an index or a table of contents; if it doesn’t sell, what can I do? I’m working on a bit where George Carlin meets Lenny Bruce (they were both agnostic—like me—they’re both dead now—I’m not—so I don’t know what happens when you die—so I don’t know where to set the scene—Heaven, Hell, Nowhere, Someplaceelse—so all I have is a punch line –they each do a “take”, point at each other, arch back a bit and shout “hah!! cocksuckerrrrr!” okay–I’ll work on it and let you know….
Order your copy today!! While you’re there, look around for the companion Index and Coloring Book for Adults Only (crayons not included….) It may not be up on Amazon yet, but it will be….otherwise, contact me–and I might even throw in a box of crayons….